19th post: Un Chagrin, Sans Titre

19th post: Un Chagrin, Sans Titre

Holding hands—or holding the future? Or holding the selfishness, creating they own world. Solitary.

I’d rather to befriend the solitude than face the reality to engage with those people who doesn’t even want me in their world, either being a complement or a substitute. Unlisted.

People say it seems not that hard to me to engage with new people and make friends with them. Well, they just didn’t know what lies behind. “Look at those eyes! They’re rejecting you. They don’t want you. Let’s have another walk. Find another one. Someone who will accept you as a friend, the way you are.” Told these two hemispheres of the upper part organ. My brain.

Then I walked again. I had some miles to get through. Passed million human being. Some others were decent enough to be called as human, some others not. Some others did realise my existence, some others just let it be. Some others welcomed me to their life, some others left those disgusting look to my presence.

I’ve been spending 6787 days here. Still struggling, still got rejected by those eyes. My mother said I’ve always got that social problem since my kindergarten. Still the same, until now. I don’t know, probably the problem is in me, or I am the problem myself. The unwanted persona non grata.

Lundi, 23 Janvier 2017. With all of these broken-hearted feelings, rejected by the society.


18th post: Vendredi, 13 01 2017: Roadshow, Banten & I

18th post: Vendredi, 13 01 2017: Roadshow, Banten & I

I don’t know where I belong to; my parents were newcomers themselves. Mom was born & raised in Tanah Datar, Sumatra Barat while Dad was in Bandung, Jawa Barat himself. They met here & started a life here too. Me? Born and raised here, Banten. Been spending the whole 17 years here.

Years back then, I didn’t really like depicting myself as a Bantenese. Simply because I can’t speak their lingua franca nor understand theirs. That just (the language) was feeling so weird, looked so peasant-ish. Probably because it was majorly spoken by some unscholarly locals. Hehe shame on me, I know. Have no idea why I was acting like this.

Until I started to continue my study in another place. The university was located in somewhere I hardly know, somewhere new and strange to me. At first I didn’t really like to identify myself as a Bantenese since I didn’t even inherit their bloods. To me, Minang was felt more suitable. But what could I do? I wasn’t born there, living there or spend my study there. I only inherited half of Minang & Sundanese blood.

There I was, starting to join their community (let’s say it’s a community for students from Banten at our university), and trying to feel the likeness and unity since we came from the same place. I was trying to involve myself on their events. Like some gatherings and events, even my senior from high school back then involved me to their events.

So, today was my 3rd day “walking” aka roadshow around the town: visiting different schools with different social & financial backgrounds. “Babbling” around.

Well, honestly I am not a fan of doing this roadshow thing. I personally don’t like showing myself off of them, with this bright, yellowish alma mater jacket. I’d rather to stay clandestine, unnoticeable, working behind the stage than being spotted by people. I don’t really like being spotted. Yeah, things weren’t just ended-up being passers-by, they changed the other things too. So were my mind. It was changed. I’ve decided to join in.

We’ve visited some “fortunate” and “unfortunate” schools though they weren’t that plenty. We’ve spent the three days visiting five schools, and two schools by one day, with them alone, at the first day of roadshow.

Our babblings depend on the type of school. Sometimes we have to shorten our babblings, but sometimes we have to explain it a little bit longer because they have no idea what we’re actually talking about or even don’t know what we’re talking about is actually existed. Some students probably don’t know things such SBMPTN & SIMAK do exist (let’s say these two are the Indonesian version of SAT). Some students probably don’t know they can pay zero expenses on their college tuition fees to study at university. They only know the unreachable numbers of expenses they have to pay for the sake of studying at university. And so they choose to find a job and working as young labours to earn some money instead continue their study in university. Some of them really want to study at university but their parents can’t afford those expenses. Some of them don’t have any idea what they’re going to do.

Heartbreaking, indeed. We’re living on the same town but there’s a big gap of life that separates us. That’s only my town. How about the other regions? Bet there are tons of them facing the same problems like these high school students. I hope these students finally get the chance to continue their study at public university. Not just simply giving up their dreams. We definitely can’t simply let our life as it be.

Thank you, Tim Roadshow region Cilegon for these precious, last three days. So much fun. Although I am a newcomer myself from nowhere, it’s definitely our compulsory to change our beloved Banten, Cilegon in particular, to a better one. #RoadshowGakMilihMilih

12th post: Surviving Survivor, (still not) Socially Survived

It’s been a month, 5 weeks of me living alone, the so-called trained myself to be self-reliant, standing on my own. Everything went smooth exactly what I had imagined, unless my procrastinator trait and f-ing (pardon my word) hellish social life, they didn’t work.

I am a type a person who could adapt well but when it happens to my social life.. no. I tend to dislike or even secretly loathe it, yes my soul is full of repugnance towards my pet peeves. Nobody knows till I post this haha. I probably look like I am totally okay with that but no one’s know what actually inside of the heart. Half of me is very tolerant about everything while the other one truly stand on the opposite side. Sometimes I could be so apathetic about anything, and allergic about anything.

My parents told me to be social but I didn’t really hear what they said. “Don’t be so apathetic, greet your landlord/landlady every time you meet them. It’s okay.” No mom, the sad truth is I could feel them staring pathetically to me and stretching some forced smile on their muscular face. I know they secretly laughed at me like “C’mon, you really do that? Don’t force yourself trying to blend perfectly into our society.”

And now I am living in a new environment which is the exact antithesis towards my 17 years world. Some people might be so thrilled to meet their new world, meeting new people, new society, but I am definitely stand on the opposite side. I mean look at these people, mostly not my cup of tea, definitely not my preference and totally have no desire to engage with them. Told you, culture shock. This new culture has perfectly collided me as well. To be honest, I have cried three times here, during my life crisis and the regular monthly mood swing phase, even thinking to throb myself, self-hurting myself with the dagger just to endure the pain with the physical pain (which was ridiculous) or drown myself to the lake (yes, there’s a lake inside the university complex). Oh, really. Can I just go home immediately so no one’s getting hurt (including myself too?)

But that’s not the point. Far from home, miles away from the whole famiglia, being alone and secluded, it’s actually the phase between your post-teenage life and the premarital status (lol ikr??), start a new life (with somebody) and raise a new one (a family, definitely). Realise that I gonna thank myself after all these critical phase, I finally think that letting my old self to take over my new life is a huge mistake. Although spending my time alone & befriending the solitude is actually my favourite part, it is not good because I don’t live alone. I have to engage with them too, get in touch and stay along the lines.Fact that we’re not alone living in this world and one of those essential things of being a human itself is to be social, we are the only living creatures who are created to be social, to be engaged each other. We have to accept it all, accept all the diversity they have chosen to be different (and not forcing ourselves to be just like them).

Have I told you that I am finally socially survived? Nuh-oh, still a nah. At least, finally find a way to avoid them: become an apathy kid. Just let them passing bye without any word. Haha..

Depok, 22 08 2016

11th post: It’s The Uni Life, Bruh. Welcome to The Club.

It’s the university life, wow, finally, me myself and I, become a university student. The coolest yellow-ish ID card (haha), the yellow jacket (oui, cette yellow jacket est tres repute ici—pardon my messy french haha– particularly around the highschoolers who madly want to be the part of this uni), all of those privileges around the campus and the free access to the uni library (yes they claimed my current university has the biggest library in the southeast asia (this really needs a citation). I don’t know exactly which part is the biggest, the building or the collections?).

The truth is, the whole thing happened on these two months is more like playing myself inside The sims 3 university life. Me the main character, enrolled to the university, got the letter of acceptance, (which must be lucky since I wasn’t really serious about enrolling to the uni. You might not believe if I told you  I was almost sleeping during the entrance test), travelled alone (not really) with her big boxes of her stuffs, and ended-up found herself in a new strange surrounding. A stranger in a strange city, indeed.

I really love the library here. Idek it’s more like a mini mall with some restaurants and convenience store and mini bookstore and sbux and s’mores I mean it’s so convenient here, I could even sleeping on the, yeah I forgot what’s the name but it’s more like a room with desks and chairs so you can conveniently doing your business with your laptop, books etc.

The only one thing beside the library and the famous yellow submarine bus that bewitched me as well since I arrived here: the KRL. The commuter. The another-version-of-parisian-metro (well not really) but sadly we don’t have any underground station here just like Balham tube station ugh that will be so cute if it actually does exist. Haha. Sometimes it could be so dense and crowded even you couldn’t move yourself, sometimes it could be so loose that you could easily walk into another car.

Oh, the most and the last important thing here: lots of cats here woah I can’t even hold myself not to touch ‘em.

See you! Gonna post s’more soon.

Depok, 23 08 2016



7th post: Farewell Cadeau



“If you could remember them all, will you remember me?”

I was so hesitate to write down this line, would it be ended up with some disgust feelings rushing your blood? Or vice versa?
Did you really consider me as a friend, or do you?

I was afraid if these two photos will be disappeared. Lemme just stayed on my past for a while.

Cilegon, 6th of February 2016. Have a safe flight!