12th post: Surviving Survivor, (still not) Socially Survived

It’s been a month, 5 weeks of me living alone, the so-called trained myself to be self-reliant, standing on my own. Everything went smooth exactly what I had imagined, unless my procrastinator trait and f-ing (pardon my word) hellish social life, they didn’t work.

I am a type a person who could adapt well but when it happens to my social life.. no. I tend to dislike or even secretly loathe it, yes my soul is full of repugnance towards my pet peeves. Nobody knows till I post this haha. I probably look like I am totally okay with that but no one’s know what actually inside of the heart. Half of me is very tolerant about everything while the other one truly stand on the opposite side. Sometimes I could be so apathetic about anything, and allergic about anything.

My parents told me to be social but I didn’t really hear what they said. “Don’t be so apathetic, greet your landlord/landlady every time you meet them. It’s okay.” No mom, the sad truth is I could feel them staring pathetically to me and stretching some forced smile on their muscular face. I know they secretly laughed at me like “C’mon, you really do that? Don’t force yourself trying to blend perfectly into our society.”

And now I am living in a new environment which is the exact antithesis towards my 17 years world. Some people might be so thrilled to meet their new world, meeting new people, new society, but I am definitely stand on the opposite side. I mean look at these people, mostly not my cup of tea, definitely not my preference and totally have no desire to engage with them. Told you, culture shock. This new culture has perfectly collided me as well. To be honest, I have cried three times here, during my life crisis and the regular monthly mood swing phase, even thinking to throb myself, self-hurting myself with the dagger just to endure the pain with the physical pain (which was ridiculous) or drown myself to the lake (yes, there’s a lake inside the university complex). Oh, really. Can I just go home immediately so no one’s getting hurt (including myself too?)

But that’s not the point. Far from home, miles away from the whole famiglia, being alone and secluded, it’s actually the phase between your post-teenage life and the premarital status (lol ikr??), start a new life (with somebody) and raise a new one (a family, definitely). Realise that I gonna thank myself after all these critical phase, I finally think that letting my old self to take over my new life is a huge mistake. Although spending my time alone & befriending the solitude is actually my favourite part, it is not good because I don’t live alone. I have to engage with them too, get in touch and stay along the lines.Fact that we’re not alone living in this world and one of those essential things of being a human itself is to be social, we are the only living creatures who are created to be social, to be engaged each other. We have to accept it all, accept all the diversity they have chosen to be different (and not forcing ourselves to be just like them).

Have I told you that I am finally socially survived? Nuh-oh, still a nah. At least, finally find a way to avoid them: become an apathy kid. Just let them passing bye without any word. Haha..

Depok, 22 08 2016


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